Where to begin? There seems to be no good/easy way to get this out other than to just say it: I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago- March 9th. I was about 5 weeks along. Dealing with this has been much more difficult than I thought it would be when it first happened, even though I am thankful it didn't happen further along (I don't want to think about how hard that would be). I understand that this happens to so many women...It would take more than two hands to count the number of women I know personally who have had to go through this. But it's still a loss, and it's still difficult. I'm having a hard time interacting with people, and I can't really figure out why. I just want to be alone the majority of the time...maybe because for some reason I'm embarrassed about how long it's taking me to get over this. I just feel kind of awkward trying to act happy and social when I'm still hurting so much.
I want everyone to know that I'm not writing about this because I'm looking for sympathy...I'm actually terrified of posting this because I hate calling attention to myself...but I feel like I need a way to just let it out so I can continue to move on. I've been over what happened in my head countless times, and I've talked to a handful of friends about it, and Josh of course, and I've been praying about it a lot, but it doesn't seem to be getting much easier to deal with. Maybe I need to work through it on "paper," and hopefully find some peace.
We decided we wanted another baby. I was hesitant at first because I'm an only child and never really had any desire to have siblings. I had a wonderful childhood and believed that a sibling for Cam wasn't really a necessity. Then, being a practical thinker, I thought about how Cam having a brother or sister could actually be beneficial for our Army lifestyle. We will be moving frequently (something I never had to experience as a child), and having a companion with him when we move and change schools would be nice, and would hopefully make the transitions a little easier. On the other hand, I also thought about how amazing being a parent is, and that I want to experience that feeling again with another baby. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about how selfish that sounds. Maybe it is a little selfish, but I think it's more than that. After having a baby, I realized that each pregnancy and child is a little miracle...a physical sign of God's awesome power. When I look at Cameron, see him grow both mentally and physically everyday, see how perfect he is, I feel God's presence in a way I don't think I ever have before, and I can't help but think about how undeserving I am of this blessing that I have been so freely given. And I think that I deserve more? There's no way. I can't even begin to list all the blessings in my life. But why have i been given so much? All I can think of is that it is all thanks to God's Grace. He gives us things we don't deserve, and I am so so grateful for that. I'm just trying to work out why He gave me the hope and excitement of another baby, then took it away. Maybe He wanted to remind me who is in charge of my life. I can make all the plans I want, come up with all the reasons I want for why I should have another child, but it's not my decision. If it is not His time or according to His plan, then it won't happen.
Through this whole experience I have reflected on one of my favorite Bible verses: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11. I find so much comfort in this. I have been so prosperous in my life so far. And God didn't let this happen to punish me...he doesn't want to harm me. My hope is that I will have another child one day, but I know that if it is meant to be, He has the perfect time planned, and I will continue to pray for strength and strive to put my trust Him. In the meantime, I will count my blessings.
Here are a couple more Bible verses that I thought of:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Psalm 3:5
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philipians 4:13
I'm feeling better already.